Jeremiah_29-11

Jeremiah_29-11

I was given this bible verse in a frame as a graduation gift back in 2008. I never really grasped the meaning of it, I read it and decided it was cool enough to be a decoration for my dorm and apartment. It wasn’t until this past April where I really took a look at it. I finally felt like everything was coming into place after attending Bobcat Awakening #34. Things in my life were falling and I knew I couldn’t do it alone. I transferred to have a fresh new start and to heal my heart. I met people who helped me around my first semester and grew to them but someone brought out that bad in me at times. I was told by a friend, hey come to Bobcat Awakening, you’ll have fun. I thought to myself, sure why not? maybe I’ll find the right friends here to keep me away from what I been. I still was missing my SFA friends and was regretting my decision in transferring. And 4 years later, I finally know what was meant by the frame. He did have an amazing plan with a great future. Never in my life would I have thought I’d be a staff member of any spiritual retreat. I remember going to candlelight for my brothers A.C.T.S. retreat thinking these people are out of their mind. I failed to see that their tears were tears of joy. They gave God that glory. I have finally Let go and Let God. I wasn’t to sure what people meant by saying that but this fire in my soul has been so breath taking. I have met the greatest friends who I can my own family. You can be part of a fraternity or sorority to have your “bros” and “sisters” but nothing compares to my brother, sisters, mom, dad, grandpa, godparents, cousins.. the whole BA family. I can only imagine the next chapter He has for my future.

Career

If you follow me on twitter or facebook i’m sure you have been wondering what this “future business” has been about. Starting this new semester has made me even more eager to graduate.

Early this week, my brother made a visit, i had been longing to have a certain conversation with him because I knew he would actually understand where i was coming from. In less than 365 days, i shall have a degree in Business-Management (in the words of my grandma, si dios quiere). Over the break i constantly thought exactly what am I going to do after I graduate. Should I go back home and live with my parents until i get a job? NO! Stay in the SM/Austin area continuing working at my current job while looking for another? Maybe! Orrr try to start up that “future business”? of course that be amazing but then i asked myself, how in the world will i be willing to start a business if i still have loans to pay off. I got a Happy birthday text from a good ol friend I hadn’t seen or spoke to in a while, asked how his life was going, etc. After our conversation I got to thinking, what if i do what he does, save money and then start up? And I’m sorry mom and dad and any other person who told me to never do this in my life but it makes sense. My friend is currently in the military and loves it. Never in my life have i thought about doing this but honestly what do i have to lose? Other than my family and close friends, I really have nothing to lose. I am in no relationship and have no one to hold me back. I do have my degree and could save up for this business, pay loans off, serve my time i would sign up for and then start it up.

If you know me and my brother, and i mean KNOW our relationship, you know how extremely close we are. He is one of the greatest brother, son, friend, whatever it make be, that you can have. Devoting his life to God, going to school just like me, serving several masses, etc. It takes a lot to answer “The Call”……….. My dream, i’ve probably never told anyone until now, has been to either work for an amazing foundation or have one of my own. I got to thinking about how awesome it would be to have a foundation supporting seminarians. I will not mention how much they get paid a month, all i can say is that i’d be eating Ramen every day. Do you know how many masses they have to serve at? A LOT! where they have to drive to? All over SA. how much gas costs right now? A LOT! Yes, i know it takes a lot to have my own, but honestly, these guys deserve it. Whether it be school supplies, GOOD/AMAZING breakfast, lunch, dinner, money for their mission trips, whatever it may be.

I know there are many people out there who think this is absurd and many others who would be willing to donate or sponsor or help.

My brother and I have discussed few ways of funding, which i will not mention but i’m confident funding can be done.

I don’t have all the specific details but this wouldn’t happen until 4 or 5 years.

Would love any kind of input, thoughts, maybe a way to avoid the military, anything!

This has been constantly on my mind and means the world to me if i could help seminarians out in any way.

Feel free to message me on Facebook your thoughts, text, or tweet me your thoughts 🙂

 

 

Address in the stars

Earlier this week I had a conversation with my roommate that brought warmth to my heart as well as sadness. It’s been a tough and long week but now that I have time to relax, its time to reflect on past 2 years of my life. I can recall just about everything that’s happened since 11-27-09. Woke up hungover to my mom bawling and breaking terrible news to me. Said goodbye to my best friend. Lived the crazzzy life in Nacogdoches after, and made the decision to turn away and heal the pain I was experiencing and holding in. I now reside in san Marcos which hasn’t been easy but my pain has faded away. Started off new, met new friends and reunited with old friends, my family was no longer 6 hours away, God has filled that empty gap within.

Through all of this I’ve learned to appreciate the little things in life. It’s funny how people laugh about my excitement over little things that usually people don’t get excited over. I am fortunate to be raised by both my parents, grow up in a small community where other parents, coaches and teachers are your second parents. I have clothes on my body, a roof over my head, shoes on my feet and support from friends and family.

11.27.11
Not quite sure what is posted above so I may repeat a few things. Not quite sure where to start right now… Feeling sooo many emotions right now. Guess I can start with grateful. I’m grateful to have the chance to live another day. To spend another holiday with my family. Grateful to have great health. Food to nourish my body. Roof over my head. More than a penny in my pocket. A job. Both parents. My brother. Two sets of grandparents. The list can go on. I tend to forget how lucky I am at times. I’m such a perfectionist. Always trying to stay on schedule and forget to just take in each second God has given me.

I look back at myself and think of what a complete ass I was to a few people. If it wasn’t for a few events in my life I can guarantee I’d be the same. Great things can come from tragic events. Thank you Ryan, Steven and Cassandra for helping me become a better person. 

Twenty-Five <3

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The definition of Monday is typically, shitty. And I feel I experienced ” Monday” in every way. For past week or so I have been under the weather, been laying in bed resting up and falling behind with statistics and accounting. Had a test today and pretty much earned how much effort I had put into this past week. Got to my car and had a fun little surprise, a parking ticket. To add, I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed past couple days and seems to be carrying on. Decided I should go to the doctor after many instances of having coughing attacks, so thank you Health Services for robbing money from me. Came home and realized the stack of out-of-town invitations for my parents 25th silver anniversary are still sitting there. Anyways… called up family from Wisconsin and Chicago to get mailing addresses and what not. Fun! After that, of course nothing interferes with Kim Kardashian’s Wedding on E!, haha yes my roommate and I are lame and enjoy “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”, after watching such a beautiful, stressful and fairy-tale wedding made me all jittery inside. Recently, the talk of marriage, kids and all that crap has been getting on my nerves…….. Mom, I am going to apologize now because I have a feeling by the end of this you will have shed a few tears.. Here goes nothing…I know how much it means to my parents to be grandparents but honestly I have such a negative attitude towards relationships, marriage and kids right now. Deep down I know i want to experience it all. I want to send the kids off to grandma and grandpas, i want to attend every football, volleyball, basketball, softball/baseball game, have family trips, ETC.. Everything my parents have done is what I want to do. And while I’m planning my parents anniversary and seeing Kim’s fairy-tale wedding, I’ve realized it’s not that i’m scared to do so but I have had the greatest role models of what a marriage is and won’t settle for anything less. My mom never missed any sporting event, picked out every prom dress with me, etc. My dad built that “stronger” side of me which i hate and love at the same time. Its funny, not to long ago something was mentioned on a social online website basically saying how terrible our family interaction is and how we never spend time with one another. This of course is not true and not worth getting angry over but it made me laugh. We are all busy in our own ways and when we have that extra free time we do meet up and enjoy each others company. We are crazy, say things other family dont say to one another, pick on one another, and VERY open. We aren’t that “typical” family. I feel like families these day try to act like everything is soooo great and hide their true inner self. I am not going to lie, I am ALWAYS nervous to bring a guy home to meet my family because we are not that “typical” family. It’s not because I am ashamed. It’s not because I’m embarrased but because we don’t hold back. We are who we are and love each other for it. We drive each other crazy, could kill each other some days but at the end of the day love each other. It’s been quite stressful trying to plan this anniversary and I keep saying “this is another reason why i am not getting married” but honestly as stressful as its been i’ve enjoyed it all. My parents deserve a HUGE celebration. My mom has shown me the woman i should be. And my dad has showed me what kind of man i deserve. I guess that’s why I keep telling myself i wont get married, because it going to be EXTREMELY hard to find a man like my dad. I admire what he does for my mom as well as myself and my brother. It takes a lot to leave you family for several months.

I feel like im saying the same thing over and over. But when it’s all said and done, thank you mom and dad for showing me how a marriage is suppose to be. i know one day i’ll find that one person and know the tools it will take to make it up to 25 years of marriage. i am in no rush, i know the good one above has the perfect plan. time will tell.

 

9.17.11

Had a wonderful talk with my brother this past thursday, felt like i needed to just get it out of my chest. so on “9.17.11” one of my greatest friends came in to town to celebrate his birthday with me and my friends. Of course, any time im with this friend i feel like all my troubles are behind me. not sure what it is when we hang out but we tend to celebrate things like if we were to die tomorrow. if you’ve read my recent blogs, you know im one to hold things in and let them build up until i can no longer take it, well of course i had a lot built in and decided to drown it with alcohol consumption, (no i am not saying i have a problem or whatever you may be thinking, i promise) anyways… i didnt treat my body as well as i should have … i am not proud of my actions and feel embarrassed and upset i worried people for my bad judgements. Soooo… two weeks ago i was informed how certain people who have NO part in my life seem that it’s their duty to go tell people who i love deeply about my bad decisions… to start off, i am i and you are you!!!! i did call up my close family and told them EXACTLY what had happened, yeah i cant remember much but i did tell them. I am not one to hide things and put up a front because my family may be ashamed of me. you ask me what happened, i will tell you what happened. i know i am not looked as the “angel” compared to others, BECAUSE i am not afraid of being who i TRULY am.  I AM I!!! i rather not have my family think i am someone who i am not. i know they don’t know everything i do but they do know enough to understand and not be shocked if something worse were to happen on 9.17.11……. like i said i am not proud of it. But when SOMEONE who goes off and tells my family, thinking im stupid enough to try and hide this from my them upsets me. especially if you are not close to me, why would you even go try to “start trouble” ? Please, mind your OWN business.

i’ve said this OVER AND OVER. it realllllllllly is hard to find people you can trust. yeah i do have trust issues as well, i am not perfect and have said hurtful things and upset people. I know the things i need to work on and learning from my mistakes.

anyways, i am finding myself getting pretty aggravated right now, and purpose i have for this blogging website is to relax. so i guess when its all said and done…. I am NOT perfect, I have MANY faults, and i take FULL responsibility of what i’ve done, i’m paying for it whether you think i am OR not,  i am suffering the consequences now and it is what it is. I’d appreciate the people who really aren’t in my close circle of family and friends to realize there is a reason you aren’t….. kind of reminds me of my favorite prayer i learned in 2009…..   “i do my thing and you do your thing. i am not in the world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine….”

not sure where this blog is going….

it’s been a while since i have blogged. I’m not so sure where I’m going with this (as my title says); I just need to vent a little and yet, I don’t even know where to start. Well here goes nothing, guess I will start with the first thing on my mind…. Past few weeks I’ve been questioning about a, well im not sure what to call it but for now ill call it a friendship, I have built with basically my best friend here in TState. I’ve always been the one who says “screw relationships, we’re young, have fun” and i kept my word until someone kind of grew on me. And i wouldnt say i have changed for them but adapted to their ways. I have put one of my best friends who helped me when i was in a shit hole behind because they couldnt get along. I’ve skipped hanging out with hometown and other college friends to enjoy time together. And I even planned a weekend of baseball and fun out of town. Yet, I’ve been told i put myself first all the time. Sometimes i think people just don’t understand. Seeing me now compared to few years back has been one biggest and greatest changes in my life. The day my own cousin told me I was a complete bitch to her in high school tore me down. I knew i needed to change. Another family member told me I needed counseling because I just didnt care about anyone and anything. For someone to tell me how I put myself before others now just upsets me. I finally get to a point in my life where I feel fully myself and happy, it’s just frustrating to hear someone say how i only care about myself when i’ve come this far. Why can’t some people just trust others, you dont have to fully trust in a person but let your guard down just a bit. it sucks not being able to be friends with someone who has been there for ya. and i guess i dug myself in a hole but you cant just quit connections with someone you have known for few years. i feel like i have sacrificed so much and done so much that what im use to and have only received a slap in the face. I feel like i could do so much more but it’s hard when the only person you can trust at a new place (and the first person) can make you feel terrible… anyways…. just realized i have a test tomorrow, so guessing i should study!….

My Highway

On my highway the yellow lines,
Have disappeared from time to time,
And I’ve wound up on the wrong side of the road,
On my highway I’ve gone to fast,
Afraid that I might finish last,
I hooked a curve too hard and lost control,
Oh I never know which way it’s gonna go,

(Chorus)
But what a feeling chasing the sun,
Living my life like it’s shot from a gun,
Laughing a little bit more with every mile,
Oh what a freedom racing the wind,
Dieing to know whats around the next bend,
And smiling as I watch the years roll by,
I’m learning how to take it day by day on my highway,

On my highway I missed some signs,
And left a damn good love behind,
I see her in my rear view like a ghost,
On my highway I’ve broken down,
And cried when no one else was around,
And prayed that God would save my soul,
Ya I’ve paid a lot of heavy tolls,


(Chorus)

Yeah Yeah,
What a feeling out on the run,
Drinking up the rain soaking up the sun,
Laughing a little bit more with ever mile,
Oh what a freedom like a sail in the wind,
Not looking back not forgetting where I’ve been,
Smiling as I watch the years roll by,
I’m moving on from my mistakes,
And I’m learning how to take it day by day,
On my highway,
Oh oh yeah.




Wow, I just found the song of my life!!!!! Winding up on wrong side of the road but then living life like a shot from a gun. I’ve come to the conclusion that living life to the FULLEST isn’t the healthiest thing to do. Having the attitude of not caring and going “crazy” can bring you down. After one event i told myself to not take a dang thing for granted and to live like i was dying; recently, i feel like i have “died” inside. Of course, I enjoy every second in what i do at each moment but sometimes i feel as if maybe i went to far. Think it’s time to catch a breath and continue to live life to the fullest but with caution. I can say it a million time, i am truly blessed to have a great support system in my life. I hate having those “reality checks” but guess there’s a point where i need them. Someone gave me some great advice this weekend and said “do you. don’t let anyone bring you down. follow your dreams, spend as much time with family and friends but don’t always put what they want you to do or become on the top of you goal list that you feel you must achieve”. Probably some of the best advice i have received lately. What other people want you to be isn’t going to make you happy. It’s not much of doing what they say, more of me not wanting to disappoint them, but if they truly want you to be happy and succeed they will let you “do you”. Anyways, just jotting some thoughts before bed.